The Ride Mooch Manifesto
Dawn says I'm a ride mooch, and frankly I am.
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But rides are not exactly FREE per se, we provide a useful service, and being a good moocher requires a lot of savvy maneuvering. Here are some examples:
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Services To Drivers
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We keep the driver entertained by being fun and friendly and sufficiently happy to be driving us around.
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We keep the driver awake, provide drinks, gum, and radio station changing services.
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We provide the driver the feeling that they are carpooling, and thus saving the environment.
We have to be savvy
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A good moocher ALWAYS offers to pay for gas when the driver pulls into a gas station. Even if the trip is from Allston to Cambridge.
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A good moocher is sufficiently pitiful so that the driver feels bad that we won't be able to make it to a particular destination.
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A good moocher has a mental map of the area and where friends live, and another map indicating what friends are doing what activity each evening. We overlay these maps, pinpointing the exact friend who is going to drive by our houses, so we don't put anyone out.
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We have to have a large enough network of people around so that one friend doesn't feel over-burdeoned with our mooching.
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A good moocher should be an inexperienced or bad enough driver to make all passengers feel unsafe.
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We have to be sufficiently comfortable using our mooch skills to procure a ride, even for those who have a car, particularly when that friend is drunk.
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We NEVER, NEVER complain about the driver's choice of music.
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I'm sure there is more, lemme just think about it some more.
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As a freshly minted moocher, initially you might find your new role in the transportation scheme a little awkward, like a butterfly just out of the chrysalis, flapping its wings for the first time. In time, you will learn the nuance, grace, and power of mooch.
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I didn't know you hadn't replaced your trusty steed yet... Are you planning to?
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<i>The Boot Knife of Mild Reason </i>
Ride Mooches should be more cautious about their "radio station changing services" and how they may conflict with never complaining about the music.
Mooches do not make us feel better because we are carpooling and saving the planet. They make us feel better because we are helping our friends.
Mooches should not offer to pay for gas in trivial situations. It is awkward and lame. As your saviour ponies up during your ride, you should sit quietly and feel shame. And keep your friggin mooch hands off the fucking radio.
Mooches should realize they are lucky to be wherever they are, even if it isn't where they inteded to go.
Mooches should stay home periodically, and sit in the dark and drink alone, and think about what they have become.
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You like driving.
I hate driving with a panic-attack-inducing passion.
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That alone makes me not feel guilty enough to stay home and drink alone, without my car-owning boyfriend.
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<i>The Boot Knife of Mild Reason </i>
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<i>The Boot Knife of Mild Reason </i>
My one exception: I will not, repeat, will not allow myself to be transported in a car which is playing Scooter. Oh, and I have a bad habit of sticking my knee into the back of the driver's seat. Sorry, Mike.
Drivers take responsibility.
Mooches take.
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<i>The Boot Knife of Mild Reason </i>
Tendiamonds brought something to my attention a few years back, when you are a mooch in the passenger seat, and you stop for gas, instead of just offering money for gas, the mooch should wash the windows. This does three things. One, it shows you would like to help as you mooch. Two, it shows that you are active in your response to help the driver, not just offering money as you are chauffered around. Three, it improves the drivers auto, and may even save time as the driver is pumping/paying.
A classy act...
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<i>The Boot Knife of Mild Reason </i>
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Lemme know if I need to kick someone's dumb-ass ass. For reals. You rule, girls drool.
I get a little chill whenever K. Foulke talks the mound at Fenway Park these days.
It needs a little love and work, but if you don't want air conditioning, it's a solid piece of Swedish workmanship.